


Come Together, Right Now

by ImaMePanda



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Big brothers screw up, Brothers AU, Come home Mama, Even if he's like 23, Family Drama, Family Fluff, Gen, I'm totally not doing this tagging thing right, Insecurity, Kidfic, Overwhelmed kids, Papa Bear Josiah, Parental illness, Past Child Abuse, Protective Siblings, Stressed Nathan, They need you, it doesn't mean they don't love you, they are all adorable, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-02-28 14:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13273191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaMePanda/pseuds/ImaMePanda
Summary: When an exhausted and overworked Nathan snaps at his little brother, it reveals a much bigger problem. Brothers AU, blended family.  Kidfic





	1. Chapter 1

  


Nathan stood in the middle of the third outbuilding he'd checked, acres left to search, one hand clutched around his cell-phone and the other scrubbing over his face as he forced himself to think. It had been almost forty minutes since Ezra had run off, and if he hadn't been upset Nathan wouldn't have thought twice, thirteen was plenty big enough to explore the ranch on his own, he knew the places he wasn't supposed to go. But he had been upset, very upset, and while Ezra had deserved a good scolding for running a betting ring in the school cafeteria, and Nathan having to leave his own classes to come pick him up when he was suspended, he hadn't deserved to have Nathan lose his temper. 

Even if he was a sarcastic little shit who seemed to pick each word solely to get under his skin, and had outright told him that he had every intention of continuing what he was doing, but 'would endeavor not to be caught out in the future, so as to avoid inconveniencing you, Nathan'.

He hadn't deserved to be hurt, and he had been, shocked and stung by Nathan's words, chin trembling and eyes filling as he flung himself out of the kitchen chair the pre-med student had parked him in and ran out the back door without a backwards glance.

He thought it just might have been the worst thing he'd ever done.

It was time to call Josiah, he was only down at the high school, and the closest to the house, could get there the fastest.

Except for JD, who had come in off the school bus and through the same back door in time to hear the end of the confrontation, and informed him with all the outrage the nine year old could muster, that he was 'a big, fat,  _mean_ jerkface, and I'm not gonna talk to you never again, and I hope you get your butt whooped good!' JD had tried to light out after Ezra then, but the last thing he needed was two missing and upset boys, and so he'd ordered him to stay in the house, much to his brother's disgust. 

Walking out of the building, he dialed the number, eyes still scanning back and forth for any sign of Ezra as he started the nearly ten minute walk towards the tractor and equipment shed, since there had been no sign of him by the pond, in either of the cow barns, the stable, the tree-house, or the well-house either-not that he had really expected to find his brother in the cramped, spider filled, structure. The shed was all the way over on the other side of the hay fields, and Nathan hurried down the packed dirt path as the phone rang in his ear. Hay gave Ezra hives so he wouldn't have disappeared in there, at least, or they never would have found him, not now when it was well above his little brother's head. And he wouldn't be anywhere near the grain silos, not after Chris had caught him halfway up the ladder of one last year, Vin on the ground, grousing because he was going to lose the ten dollars he'd bet Ezra that he wouldn't climb inside one. Daddy and Mama had grounded both boys to the house and yard for a month, and Daddy had promised them a tanning if either of them ever did something that foolish or encouraged the other to do so ever again. Of course, with Daddy having been in the hospital for three weeks, and then a month and a half so far in the rehabilitation center, recovering from the stroke that had taken all of them by surprise, and Mama going back and forth so much it seemed almost like they'd lost her too, Ezra had apparently decided that their family's rules didn't matter anymore.

That wasn't fair. That wasn't fair, and Nathan knew it. Ezra had been finally starting to feel secure and then everything had changed again in an instant, and he was acting out because of it, testing them or something. It was the same reason Vin kept getting into fights and JD would pretend to be sick, trying to get one of them to stay home with him.

Still, though. That boy  _better_ not be anywhere near the grain silos.

The phone went to voicemail and, running a hand over his close-cropped hair, Nathan hung up and tried again. Josiah hadn't answered earlier, either when the principal or Nathan had called him, but his last period should be over by now, and just as he was about to give up his brother's rumbly tones came over the line.

“Hello, Nathan, I'm just packing up some grading and-”

“I screwed up, Josiah. I screwed up bad.” Nathan's shoulders slumped as he walked down the path along the edge of the alfalfa field, reaching out a hand to run across the top of the reddish purple blossoms.

There was a heavy pause and then, in his most concerned voice, Josiah said, “Since you're calling from your cellphone I'm going to assume you're not in jail.”

“I said I screwed up, not that I transformed into Chris,” Nathan snapped, guilt and worry making his temper short, even though he knew pissing off Josiah right now probably wasn't a good idea.

“Nathan...why don't you cut out the attitude and just tell me what's going on?”

Nathan sucked in a big breath, knowing Josiah would be furious with him, but also knowing he couldn't try and hide it, and told the story, “Sorry. I got a call from Ezra's principal, guess he couldn't get a hold of you or the twins...”, His voice thickened with shame as he talked, feeling like he could feel Josiah's disappointed stare, a stare that was rarely directed at Nathan, right through the phone, having to choke out his last words.

“You're telling me that you told our thirteen year old baby brother that his Daddy wouldn't be proud of him anymore? That you didn't see much to be proud of? My God, Nathan, that would be bad enough ordinarily, but now?” The words were growled out, his brother's voice low and angry, and so disappointed, so _disgusted_ , that if Nathan hadn't been unlatching the door to the tractor shed then, planning to look in the cabs, and underneath the bigger ones, the crooks and crannies of the building itself, anyplace big enough for a boy to hide, he thought he might have sat down and cried.

“I know-”

“Do you Nathaniel? Do you have any idea how much you probably hurt that boy? You know he was just starting to really trust Daddy, just starting to _want_ to make him and Mama proud, when everything happened. Ezra still doesn't really believe that he'll be okay eventually, hell, I don't think any of us really do yet, not after we nearly lost him. He needed to be punished, but you were obviously too angry and you should know better. That's not your place anyway, you should have waited for me.” 

Feeling frustration warring with his guilt now, because he _did_ know that, but right now finding Ezra so he could _fix_ it was more important than Josiah telling him off, Nathan said quietly. “You can kick my ass later 'Siah, right now I need you to come home and help me find him.” 

“I'm walking to the van, but I'm telling you right now little brother, kicking is not what I'm going to be doing to your backside when I get my hands on you. And you can tell Mama what you did yourself when she calls tonight. Check Daddy's studio, he likes to go and watch him paint.” Josiah hung up before he could say anything in protest, that he was too old, eighteen, and what, did Josiah think he was Daddy now? Part of him chimed in that he deserved it, that he hadn't _acted_ too old, but that didn't change the fact that Josiah was not their father. If it wasn't his place to scold Ezra for getting suspended, it wasn't Josiah's place to punish him. The studio was a good idea, at least,

he was kicking himself for not thinking of it sooner. He should have, and it was all the way back around the fields and down behind the corral to get there, and that was too long, it had already _been_ too long, for an upset little boy to be all by himself.

Walking as quick as he could out of the tractor shed, turning back at the last minute to lock it, because JD was very interested in anything with wires or gears right now, and had already snuck in here and tried to take apart the big riding lawnmower, Nathan headed down the path again, jogging for most of the way, though he still kept his eyes peeled for a flash of reddish-brown hair. Slowing as he got to the end of the path and veered off it to cut around behind the stable and corral, and down the hill behind the corral to an unused storage building Daddy had turned into his painting studio, Nathan shoved his hands in his pockets. Ezra had been all but silent for a week or two after Daddy had been hospitalized, alternating between being clingy and more closed off than ever. All the younger boys had been terrified.

Daddy had been standing in the hall like a statue, mouth hanging slack and left eye sagging, when JD, always the first of the boys up in the mornings, had said hello, hugged him, and Daddy must have tried to say something back and had it come out garbled because JD had gone bursting into Buck's room, wailing at the top of his lungs that something was wrong with Daddy, he was talking like a monster. Vin had come running out of the room he and Ezra shared, looking for something to fight, only for Buck to grab him up, at the same time as Nathan had come out of his bedroom, realizing what was going on when he saw his father's face. He'd told Buck to take the little ones downstairs, 911 already ringing on his cell-phone as he tried to get Daddy to sit down, to respond to him, to do anything but stare vacantly, a sort of blank confusion in his eyes, nonsense occasionally coming out of his mouth, starting to droop just like his eye, but nothing else.

He wasn't really sure if it was him or Buck who had forgotten about Ezra, or both, couldn't say that he'd thought Buck had him because he hadn't been thinking about anything but Daddy. If Mama hadn't already been at work, an early shift at the hospital, it never would have happened. She would have been able to help Daddy, contact 911, and still get all the little ones, probably including him and Buck to her, downstairs and away from something they didn't need to see, would have seen instantly that Ezra wasn't there. As angry as she had been at Daddy when the results of his affair were dumped on their doorstep, she hadn't allowed that to transfer onto the wary, trying oh-so-hard to be charming, almost twelve year old. By now, he was hers as much as any of the rest of them.

When he'd glanced up when he was describing the symptoms and his own opinion that it was a stroke, or possibly a series of strokes, to the 911 operator and seen Ezra peeking out from his bedroom, face white and stiff, hands tight on the door frame, his heart had dropped into his stomach. He'd tried to tell him to go downstairs, to find Buck, calling louder until he was almost shouting, but Ezra had just stood there frozen, staring, and Nathan had had no choice but to turn back to Daddy and the 911 operator's directions. Buck must have realized he only had two boys with him, because the next time Nathan had looked up he'd been trying to coax Ezra to let go of the door and come with him, finally pulling his hands loose and picking him up bodily, Ezra moving to wrap his arms around Buck's neck and bury his face in his shoulder.

He hesitated as he came to the front of the little white washed building, scraggly grass and wild flowers growing up around the sides of it, not sure what he was going to say to Ezra, how to apologize for something this big. Still not quite sure what he was going to say when he reached the door, he pushed it in gently, stepping inside, his eyes immediately landing on Ezra across the room from him. He was curled up in a ball on the window seat Daddy had built, looking like he'd cried himself to sleep, face tight and anxious even in rest. He'd wrapped one of Daddy's smocks around him, small enough still he could use it like a blanket, and since it was plenty warm out, hot even, with the light streaming through the big window behind him onto Ezra, it hadn't been because he was cold. A guilty sigh snaking its way out of his throat, Nathan scrubbed his dusty boots over the top of the doormat and walked further in, weaving around second-hand easels and half finished canvasses as he went, stopping in front of Ezra and wondering how he would react if Nathan woke him. His foot rustled against something as he shifted and, looking down, Nathan grimaced as he saw it was the small sketch book his brother carried everywhere, the top flipped back, his boots still dusty enough there was a toe print across the top of the page. He knelt down onto one knee to pick it up, glad that it looked like it was a page that only had writing on it, not planning to snoop, just to flip the lid closed and set it down where it wouldn't get damaged, but his eyes trailed automatically across the page, and once he'd seen a few words, Nathan had to finish reading it, couldn't not, feeling frozen in place.

The page had been divided into sections, first in half horizontally, and then the top section divided vertically, his brother's neat and tidy handwriting even neater and tidier than usual, the top left labeled reasons to go, and the right reasons to stay. The bottom seemed to be a list of places he'd been in the past, with notes on why they were places he could or couldn't go.

He didn't know who the hell Cousin Joe was, but the neat note next to his name that simply read, 'hits too hard', made him damn well want to find out.

It looked like the lists on the top had grown in spurts and spits, the list on reasons to go even had several lines that had been crossed out(and some, like no designer clothing stores, would have made him laugh and roll his eyes in any other context), and was being edged out in length by reasons to stay by three lines now, but he would have thought after a year and a half Ezra would have known this was where his family was, where he needed to stay. Noticing how faded most of the ink was compared to the last two entries, Nathan thought maybe he had, until today. Until he opened his mouth.

He traced his finger over the words, 'Nathan hates me' and 'I don't belong', wondering if it would be going to far to cross them out, because it wasn't true. Nathan didn't hate him, and he was exactly where he belonged. He loved him, even if Ezra made him want to pull his hair out half the time-it was _because_ he loved him he got so upset when he did things like he had today. Ezra already had a record, mostly shoplifting, breaking curfew, one charge for pick-pocketing, and a few more serious ones from times that Maude or the people she had left him with had let him take the fall, knowing a juvenile wouldn't be charged the same way. He didn't need anything else on there, anything to hold him back, he was smart, a good kid, and he deserved a good future. This was the second time this semester, the second time since Daddy had gotten sick, he'd been suspended, not counting the time he'd been given in school suspension, and they hadn't even had spring break yet. The principal had told Nathan that, despite the fact that they understood that things had not been easy for Ezra or their family lately, and his exceptional grades, if things continued how they were Ezra would need to find another place to continue his education. There was only one middle school in Four Corners, so what exactly they were supposed to find for him Nathan didn't know.

“That's mine! Stop looking!” Before Nathan could do more than lift his head Ezra was barreling into him, knocking them both backwards into the floorboards, “Give it back!” He pummeled Nathan with surprisingly painful fists all over his shoulders and chest, the older boy trying to hand the book back to him like a peace offering.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, here it is, okay? Ow! Come on, knock it off, Ezra!” Snatching the book with one hand, Ezra leapt off of him and backed away a few steps, glaring hard and looking like he'd bolt again at the first wrong move. Slowly straightening up on his knees, making sure his voice was quiet and calm, Nathan spoke carefully, “I am sorry, Ezra, for that and for what I said earlier. It isn't true and I had no right to be so mean. I'm in a whole heap of trouble for it, and I deserve to be.” Ezra's stance didn't change, but it was clear he was listening and Nathan decided it was safe to keep talking, “I saw what you wrote in your sketchbook-I don't hate you Ezra, and you do belong here, with us.”

Ezra's face shut off like a light, except for his eyes, heavy with skepticism, “Perhaps yah do not hate me, but yah have made it clear yah do not like me vahry well eithah.” Nothing but pure Georgia in his accent and Nathan winced at his words, shaking his head firmly.

“That's not true. I like you Ezra, and I love you a lot.” Nathan shifted forward a little, stopping himself from reaching for Ezra when he stiffened, his hands balling into fists at his side. This was so much easier with Vin and JD.

Voice tight, like it was about to break, each word said slowly and distinctly, Ezra declared, “Yah think _evahrything_ Ah do is wrong. Yah think _Ah'm_ -”, He stopped himself then, glowering, eyes filled with tears he was desperately trying to hold back, but Nathan was horribly sure of what he'd been about to say, and had to suck in a deep breath to keep his voice steady when he answered.

“Ezra, I swear, I don't-”

“If Ah'm not allowed to tell falsehoods yah shouldn't be eithah.”

“I'm-”

“Yes yah are!” His voice was almost a shriek, the composure he'd been clinging to so desperately gone, “Yah think Ah'm bad fah playing pokah-when yah took mah cards away last week Ah was teaching Vin to play rummy, but yah wouldn't _listen_.” Ezra's face was raw and open and he wasn't lying anymore than Nathan had been.

“But, JD said-”

“He was just mad because we didn't want to play with him! It's not like Ah would cheat or take all their money anyway if Ah played pokah with them, their mah little brothahs! But yah think Ah'm so bad that Ah would! And yah laughed and said it's silly when Ah said Ah want to be in the Pokah World Series, and yah didn't even like the electives Ah picked fah school!”

Nathan gaped for a moment, honestly gaped, because, well he was sorry for the first one and would tell Ezra so, he'd been tired when JD had run up to him and told him that Ezra and Vin were playing poker for money, which their parents definitely did not allow, and he should have made sure JD was telling the truth. The boy had been developing a habit of lying for attention lately, and it was no wonder why. He didn't think Ezra would take all Vin or JD's money, other kids, yes, but not theirs-but they weren't allowed to play poker or other games for money, they were too young, and that wasn't his rule, though he agreed with it. But he'd been _joking,_ when they were talking about that World Series thing. He did kind of think it was silly, but at thirteen Ezra should have crazy, silly, unrealistic dreams, and Nathan had just been teasing him, the same way Josiah and the twins had him when he was little and wanted to be the next Dougie Houser. Ezra had laughed _too_ , and Nathan had thought they'd been having a good time. Hell, he'd even told him the Dougie Houser story. He didn't even know what he was talking about about with his electives, Nathan was pretty sure he was taking French and drama, and sure, drama was just one of those fun throw-away classes-

Shit. He _was_ an idiot. A class like that would be a throw-away for Nathan, but that didn't mean it was for Ezra. Had he said that in front of him? Did he want to be an actor? Ezra hadn't said he did, not to him, anyway, but that didn't mean it wasn't true. The boy was a good actor, he couldn't deny that, even if he was a little too good for his own good, sometimes. Nathan pushed down his automatic thought that acting was an unreliable career, and not good enough for his brother, because he'd already learned with Buck that you couldn't decide someone's future for them. That wasn't important right now, anyway. “Ezra, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be unfair, or to hurt your feelings, but it's obvious I was and did. Sometimes I'm not very good at this big brother thing.”

“You do just fine with Vin and JD. It's only _me_ you have such contempt for.” Nathan's eyes started to sting, wondering how long Ezra had felt like this and why he hadn't noticed. This was too big, he didn't know how to fix it, how to make it better. Nothing he said was working, and that wasn't something Nathan was used to. He needed his Mama and his Daddy here to fix it, _Ezra_ needed them here to fix it. But they weren't here, they couldn't be, it was just him, not even Josiah right now. And he kept making it worse. “Nathan are you crying?” Ezra sounded vaguely horrified and Nathan went to shake his head no, but when he brushed his hand against his cheek it was wet.

“Yeah, I guess I am.” He took a deep breath and willed the tears back, ducking his head for a second.

“Did Ah hurt you?” He couldn't hold back a wet chuckle at the idea of his small for his age brother having done him enough harm when he pounded on him to make him cry, swiping the back of his hand across his eyes and looking back at Ezra.

“No bud, you didn't hurt me. Got a pretty good swing there, though.” He shifted a bit, wanting to move so he wasn't putting most of his weight on his knees on an uneven hardwood floor, but not sure it was a good idea, how Ezra would react.

“Why were you crying then?” Ezra had taken a half step forward and seemed torn between concern and suspicion. Nathan scrubbed a hand over his face and decided to just say it.

“Because I've been making my little brother feel like I don't love him or want him and that's a crap thing to do, and now I don't know how to make him believe it isn't true.”

“Oh.” Ezra's right hand started fiddling with the button on his left cuff, looking down at the floor, away from Nathan. “You truly did not mean what you said in the kitchen?”

“No.”

“...You do not wish me to leave?”

“ _Never_.” The sniffle was loud in the small room, and quickly followed by another, Ezra's head ducking down further to hide his face, and suddenly it wasn't so hard to know what to do. Nathan pushed himself up, ignoring the wood digging into his knees and took the few steps to Ezra, wrapping his arms around him in a bear hug. Ezra stayed stiff at first, gradually leaning a little more of his weight on Nathan as his sniffles turned to tears and finally to outright sobs, his hands raising to grip Nathan's shirt on either side of his head in tight little fists. Nathan shuffled them back to the window seat and pulled Ezra with him as he sat on the faded cushion, keeping him tucked close to his side. Not sure what else to do he just held him while he cried, rubbing his back, making no move to stand up even when Ezra seemed to have calmed down. 

“Am Ah still in trouble?”

The quiet question threw him for a second, almost bringing an exasperated smile to his lips, because of _course_ that was where Ezra's mind was going to go, Nathan finally shrugging and saying, “I think that's up to Josiah, bud, but probably some, yeah.”

“Oh.” Sounding miserable, pulling his legs tighter into him, the boy said, “He'll require me to call and inform M-Alice about mah actions.” Nodding slowly, Nathan had to agree. There was no way either of them were getting out of that.

“Yeah, he's gonna make me too.” Not about to pretend he hadn't noticed the slip, not this time, he said, “You know you can call her Mama, she'd really like that.” The stiffness suddenly radiating off Ezra probably shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did, and Nathan wasn't sure if he should pull him back or not when Ezra inched away from him. He decided just to wait him out and after at least a solid minute of silence Ezra spoke again, voice so quiet he could hardly hear it and the tone overly formal.

“Ah'm not actually her offspring.”

“Only me and Savannah are, and Savannah isn't Daddy's, not by blood. Josiah, the twins, and you are just Daddy's. Vin is technically our cousin, and JD is adopted.” Their family wasn't exactly traditional, which not everyone in their small town liked, but one thing it had made sure Nathan learned fast and well, was that blood might give you a connection, but it was _choice_ that made you a family.

He remembered, when he was just a little kid in his mother's arms, some person, he couldn't even remember whether it was a man or a woman, making a joke to his mother, something along the lines of, 'yours, mine, and ours', and the coolness in Mama's voice as she responded, 'all of our children are ours'.

“None of you were foisted on her the way Ah was.”

Nathan frowned and shook his head, even though Ezra wasn't looking at him, “That's enough. Mama and Daddy love you, and I know she doesn't think like that. You don't have to call her Mama if you don't want to, you know that, but if you want to you should.” A shrug was his only response. “She showed everyone we know that picture you drew her for her birthday. Put it in a frame in her office, you saw it, didn't you?” Nathan twisted so he could see when Ezra nodded, almost imperceptibly, a tear that he hurriedly wiped leaking out of his eye. “You miss her as much as I do?” Ezra shrugged again. “Bet you do. But she'll be home this weekend.”

“And displeased with me.”

Nathan bit his lip, thinking that that was kind of one of the consequences of breaking the rules, but also pretty sure that that wasn't what Ezra needed to hear right now. It's not like she would still be angry once he'd been punished, anyway, but Ezra didn't seem to know that. “Not by then. She'll lecture you and tell Josiah what your punishment is on the phone tonight, and by Friday Mama won't even be thinking about it.” Nathan wasn't so sure that would hold true for himself, but Ezra didn't need to know about that. “She'll just be happy to see you.” With a little noise that could have been agreement as equally as it could have been denial, Ezra fought a yawn and changed the subject.

“Could we possibly stay here for awhile? Ah have little desire to see Josiah right now.” Nathan knew he should say no to that, that it would be the responsible thing to do, and that was what he usually did. But he didn't want to go face his older brother either, and nodded before he could talk himself out of it.

“Sure, Ez. Not forever, though.”

When Ezra's head shifted onto him about five minutes later, going limp as he fell asleep again, Nathan let himself thump lightly back again the window, the heat from the sun feeling good on his skin, his mind whirling as he watched the dust motes dance in the light. He'd had no idea Ezra felt that insecure, that unsure about his place in their family, and he didn't think anybody else did either. He'd had some trouble adjusting, it had taken at least a month before he'd truly warmed up to anyone but JD and Vin, Buck the first of the older kids to win him over, but once Ezra had started to relax, to find his place, it had seemed, to Nathan anyway, that things were going just fine. That he flinched sometimes when you tried to ruffle his hair, that he had more than a few questionable habits-while he was with them now, where he was safe and could learn better. It was bad enough for him to question how Nathan felt about him, but while Daddy might have been the head of the family, Mama was the center, the sun around which everyone else revolved. For Ezra to doubt his place with her was to doubt that he should be there at all.

They'd all been so busy, it was Josiah's first year with a class of his own, and Nathan's first year of college, and none of that meant the ranch could be neglected. Buck had put off buying the bar he'd been saving up for and moving out to help on the ranch full-time, and Chris had said if he didn't have Sarah and Adam to support he'd have come home, but he did. The last time he'd seen the man he'd looked like a walking zombie, the hours a rookie cop was expected to work not meshing well with a baby that was only just starting to sleep through the night, and Chris had insisted on going out and helping him and Buck track down some cattle that were missing anyway. Savannah had come home to help out for awhile, but Mama had found out she'd lose her place in the writing program she'd spent most of high school and college aiming for if she didn't go back (Or really, Josiah had found out, and told almost immediately), and his sister had been on the next plane. Sarah came to help when she could, but she had a tiny baby and a house of her own to run. Maybe somewhere in there, when they'd been avoiding neglecting the ranch, they'd begun neglecting the boys.

Everyone had helped for awhile, neighbors and the people who went to their church, dropping off meals and groceries, offering to take the boy's places, helping out with chores, but it had slowly tapered off, and it's not like you could blame people for not having more to give. The Travises, their godparents, their neighbor Miz Nettie, and the Potters still helped, Mama's family lived too far away to come but his grandfather had sent grocery gift cards. He'd come home from class the other day expecting to have to do laundry and make dinner to find Aunt Evie folding underwear and matching socks on the kitchen table, while Miz Nettie stirred a pot of stew. The study had revealed Mary, his godbrother Steven's girlfriend, helping the little ones with their homework, Vin for once not making a fuss over having to do his reading. Steven and Uncle Orin had been out finishing up the evening chores with Buck and Josiah, and by the time Nathan had got out there, there had been nothing left to do. He'd been able to finish his homework before midnight for once. Usually he was up until around one, last night, when he'd had a presentation to finish, he'd been up until three. But they couldn't do that everyday, and it wouldn't be fair to expect them to. Most of the time, they were on their own. Nathan shifted back as Ezra twitched in his sleep, a sharp elbow digging into him, yawning as he got comfortable again a moment later. Josiah would be back by now, JD and Vin would be fine. If he moved he'd wake up Ezra, and it wasn't like he'd actually fall asleep, he almost never fell asleep out of his room...

   



	2. Chapter 2

Josiah sighed, a sound filled with both fondness and exasperation, as he looked at his sleeping little brothers, Nathan sprawled back against the window, limbs loose except for the arm that was wrapped snugly around Ezra, who was curled up like a cat and half on top of Nathan. He'd expected Nathan to bring Ezra _back_ to the house when he found him, but at least he hadn't had to look for them for too long. It seemed, judging by the closeness of their bodies and the redness he could see around not just Ezra's eyes, that they'd managed to work out what they needed to, and Josiah was grateful for that. It felt like he'd mediated more than his fair share of spats between his brothers lately. A hint of mischief coming into his eyes, he pulled his phone out and, after making sure the flash was off, snapped a photo. After another seconds thought Josiah opened up his text messages and sent it to his mother, writing, 'details later, but N & E got into a fight and made up' underneath it. He considered sending it to Savannah too, knew she'd been wanting more pictures of the boys, but she was also likely to tease Nathan silly, no matter how adorable she thought it was, so he didn't. His phone vibrated when he had it halfway back into his pocket, Mama must have had her phone right in her hand, and Josiah pulled it out again, smiling at the message. Even now, when she'd been texting for years and had fingers like lightening, Mama insisted on writing it like a letter, or at least an email. 

Josiah,

That is so sweet, both Daddy and I think so.

Can you make sure they both get to bed early?

The boys look like they wiped each other out,

Nathan especially. I love you, and I'll call at 8.

Mama

Sending a quick, 'yes, love u too' and tucking his phone into his pocket Josiah stepped closer, looking for what his mother had seen. His arms crossed across his chest and a frown appeared on his face as he saw that there were circles under Nathan's eyes so dark they almost looked like bruises. Forget bed early, Nathan looked like he needed a nap, more than whatever he was getting here. Ezra looked tired out too, but it was more of a typical long day look, not death warmed over. Hell. He should have noticed that. Bending down Josiah put a hand on Nathan's shoulder and shook lightly, whispering to him when he jerked awake, “Hey Nate, just me. I'm going to try and pick up Ezra without waking him, okay? Then you should be able to get up.” Nathan nodded sleepily, looking like he wasn't quite sure what was going on yet. Shifting and bending even lower Josiah slid one arm carefully under Ezra's shoulders, cradling his head in the crook of his shoulder as he slid the other arm under his knees, pulling him close to his body before he stood. Nathan pushed himself up slowly, moving his feet up and down to get his circulation going again-Ezra was small, but solid, not weedy like Vin, who was threatening to outstrip his next oldest brother. His shoulders had slumped as he woke up and remembered what he'd done, but Nathan met Josiah's gaze squarely, too proud to do otherwise. Not too proud to look remorseful though, which was definitely a point in his favor. Keeping his voice hushed, Josiah said, “C'mon. We'll talk later, for now let's just get back to the house. You and Ezra both need to eat something and sleep some more.”

Looking confused, Nathan shook his head, “Think I slept enough for the afternoon, I've got chores and ho-”

“Nathan.”

“But-”

Josiah growled quietly, shutting Nathan up quick. “No arguments. You look like hell.” Nathan went to open his mouth again, but Ezra stirred and both of them froze, hoping he'd go back to sleep.

“Josi-ah?” Ezra's voice cracked like it had been doing occasionally lately, and Josiah smothered a small grin.

“Yes, Ezra it's me. You can keep sleeping, bud.”

“Ah can walk.” Josiah opened his mouth to tell Ezra that either way was fine by him, but Nathan broke in, speaking hastily, like he was trying to cram his words in as fast as possible.

“But Josiah doesn't mind carrying you, do you Josiah?” Nathan's look at him was urgent, all but begging him to agree-not that he would have done otherwise, anyway, but now he found himself wondering just what was going on.

“Well, of course not. I don't mind at all.” He saw Ezra bite his lip, looking torn, and said, remembering his brother was now thirteen and embarrassed about such things, “But if you'd rather have a piggyback I can do that too.” From the expression on Ezra's face, considering now, that might be the better option.

“Ah think Ah'd prefer that.” And when had been the last time he'd heard Ezra sound shy? When had he _ever_ heard Ezra sound shy?

“Of course, Ez.” He set the boy on his feet, making sure he had his balance before Josiah let go and not bothering to hide the fond smile as Ezra yawned so big he couldn't hide it behind his hand. He squatted down and waited a moment as Ezra seemed to consider how best to clamber up, and reaching backwards, got him started, pulling him closer, “Wrap your arms around my neck and lean forward, I'll grab your legs right above your knees when I stand up, you just have to bend them.” Ezra wrapped his arms around his neck readily enough, letting him adjust them so they wouldn't choke him, and Josiah stood up slowly, making sure he kept both his balance and a firm grip on his brother, his mind swimming. Surely, even if he hadn't given Ezra a piggyback ride before, and he wasn't sure he had, knew he'd wrestled with him, tickled him, had carried him around like a sack of potatoes once, but wasn't sure about that, one of them had, Daddy or Buck at least, who were always the ones to get on the ground and play with the little ones, not caring about getting dirty. Even if they hadn't, _somebody_ had to have, but he'd been looking at his back like it was a particularly hard geometry problem. “Hold on tight.” They walked slowly out into the sunshine, Ezra's head bobbing down onto his shoulder several times as they made their way up the hill, Nathan walking quietly in his wake. By the time they were at the corral Ezra's head bobbed down to his shoulder for the final time, resting there as his breathing got heavier and evened out, warm and steady against his neck. Josiah leaned forward a little, wanting his weight resting on him if his grip slipped while he slept. A glance back at Nathan showed him stifling his own massive yawn and Josiah nodded his head decisively once he was facing forward again. Both these boys needed something quick to eat, a sandwich maybe, and a nap.

When Ezra was still asleep as he got to the top of the porch, Josiah considered just taking him up to his room and laying him down, and let Nathan go around him to open the door, not wanting to jostle and wake him. There had been some muffled noises from the inside, Vin and JD playing he'd assumed-he was not prepared for it to suddenly sound like world war three when the door swung open, or for Ezra to jerk awake and almost send him off balance.

“JD! Get your butt back here, boy!”

“I told him not to do it! It ain't my fault!” A shrieking JD darted across Josiah's field of vision and out of it, leaving the front room as quick as he had entered it, dashing down the hallway towards the kitchen and either the backstairs or the backdoor, Buck hot on his heels and Vin chasing after both of them. Lord, what now? Letting a squirming Ezra slide off his back, he stepped forward and put his fingers to his lips, releasing a piercing whistle that halted Vin in his tracks, but Buck, who he could hear halfway down the hallway, _not_ out of earshot, paid no mind to. As long as he came back with JD in tow, Josiah supposed that was fine by him. Vin trudged over to them, and crossed his arms across his chest, defensive. “I _told_ him not to do it.”

“Told him not to do _what_?” Vin hesitated, suddenly realizing he'd have to tell on his brother to explain and tried to back-pedal.

“I ain't sure, really...”. Not exactly the most convincing lie Josiah had every heard, but before he could ask how Vin could have asked JD not to do something if he didn't know what it was, Buck came back in the room with a squirming, struggling JD under his arm, Buck's grip tight around his middle.

“Dumped a whole damn pitcher of red kool-aid on Nathan's bed. I tell ya, I go to one little cattle auction and this place turns into a madhouse.” Josiah just stared for a second, wanting to believe he'd somehow heard wrong, but JD's increased struggling and yelps for Buck to let him go, with not one declaration of innocence, made it pretty damn obvious he hadn't. A strangled noise came from Nathan, and he moved, planning to head off an explosion of temper, only to see his shoulders slumped, expression almost helpless as he turned and looked at Josiah, silently asking him what to do next.

“Buck, take JD up to his room, please. He can stay there and think about what he did until supper. Unplug his computer.”

Ignoring JD's cry of, “But that's hours and hours!”, Buck gave a sloppy, mock salute, and turned to march across the room and up the stairs, having to adjust his hold a couple times as their littlest brother nearly managed to slip away.

“Nathan, it'll be okay.” Nathan looked plain wretched, staring at the floor now, and Josiah moved to cup the back of his neck, making Nathan look up at him, the amount of misery and guilt in his eyes surprising him. Well, that explained the lack of anger. Nathan thought he deserved it. Josiah disagreed. “It really will be. I'll go up and see what I can do about your bed. You can take your nap in mine, okay?”

“Nathan has to take a _nap?_ ” The incredulous delight in Vin's tone had Josiah looking at him, mouth open, ready to nip that in the bud, but he closed his mouth as Ezra took care of it for him, and in a way that covered for himself as well. Clever boy.

“ _No_ , he's merely exhausted and wants to take one. Ah might as well, its been a trying day.” Vin gave Ezra a look that made it more than clear he was taking that with a grain of salt, Ezra's chin raising a bit, but his expression staying the same. Vin suddenly reached out and tapped Ezra's wrist, jerking his head to the side, and Ezra, looking bemused, nodded and the two moved off a few yards, whispering together. Probably trying to figure out whether Ezra and Nathan had made up all the way or not, or, more accurately, figure out whether he was supposed to be mad at Nathan too.

“Get yourself a snack Nate, you too Vin, Ez, and I'll be back down in just a bit.” Before he could move half a foot, Vin was in front of him, expression hopeful.

“Can we have some a the leftover pizza?” Josiah had to think about that, glancing at the clock to the side of him to see how late it was-Vin's supper was never spoiled, but Ezra's could be-and nodded when he saw it was only just now four. Really, he should still be doing prep work at the school, but he was glad he was home, even with the chaos.

“That's fine, jus-”

“One piece each, save a piece for JD, and carrot sticks or something else healthy on the side. I got them, 'Siah.” Nathan had already started shepherding the boys towards the hallway and the kitchen, and he could hear him telling Ezra to get plates and Vin to get napkins as he started up the stairs. He didn't know what he would do without Nathan.

As he walked into Nathan's room and saw Buck stripping the bed, having grabbed an old rubber sheet from the linen closet and now using it to pile the soaked things into, he sagged a bit in relief. He didn't know what he would do without Buck either. Josiah had been wondered how to get the blankets off the bed without dripping kool-aid all over the carpet. “So,” Buck said, surprisingly cheerful as he looked up at Josiah, “do I even wanna know what the heck happened today?”

“Probably not, and I wasn't here for most of it, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.” Buck laughed, placing the mattress protector down with the other bedding, Josiah moving to gather the pile up as Buck grabbed a towel he'd sat on the floor and blotted the spots where the mattress protector had not done its job.

“Hell, shoulda kept my mouth shut.”

“Ezra got suspended again.” The smile on Buck's face drooped right into a frown, his head shaking as he let out a small groan.

“Again? What for this time?”

“A betting ring in the middle of the school cafeteria. He was taking odds on when various couples-including Mr. and Mrs. Cerda, you know the librarian and the history teacher?-were going to break up.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Cerda? They've been married for about a million years, and probably will be for a million more-when I was in the sixth grade we had this gorgeous little student teacher, Miss Butterfield, probably a good thing it was sixth grade, or all the boys would have been making jokes about wanting to butter her field if you know what I mean-”

“Buck, that's disgusting.” Josiah snorted with a shake of his head, but knowing he was right. Somehow in the nine years since ninth grade he'd forgotten just how crude fourteen and fifteen year olds could be, but teaching had quickly reminded him. It wasn't just the boys, either.

Buck carried on like he hadn't been interrupted, “Woo-ee, did I have a crush on her, and she had a thing for Mr. Cerda, talking to him all soft, dropping stuff in front of him so she had an excuse to bend over, that kinda thing. Let me tell you, I _appreciated_ that.” Josiah grimaced, wondering whether it would do any good to tell Buck he was oversharing. “Man never even noticed, but when we went to the library-couldn't take his eyes off his wife. Though I suppose I can understand that, she was a real sweet lady with a pretty smile, big brown eyes.” Mrs. Cerda had been chubby and starting to wrinkle, as she was a good ten years older than her husband, when Josiah was in middle school, but that was Buck. Most 'ladies men' really meant they were 'bleach blonde carbon copy men', but while Buck certainly 'appreciated' that type, he really did seem to love all women. Buck held up the towel and Josiah opened the sheet where he'd bunched it together so he could toss it in. He'd clean the mattress better later, or have JD do it.

“Yeah well, don't ever say God doesn't have a sense of humor, guess who was on lunch monitor duty today?” Buck's mouth dropped open, his head shaking a denial and Josiah nodded back. “Yep, I'm serious.”

“That kid has plenty of luck, problem is it can't decide whether it's good luck or bad.”

“Sounds about right. Then, Nathan was the only one available to pick him up, and when Ezra decided to be a smart-ass when he lectured him, he about ripped Ezra's head right off.” Josiah paused, finding himself surprised again at just how out of line Nathan had been. “Told him Daddy wouldn't be proud of him anymore.”

“Huh. 'Scuse me.” Josiah moved to block Buck, whose face had hardened into rock with his brother's last words, as he came around the end of the bed. He was not about to deal with anything else today.

“No. No fights, no yelling at him, I mean it Buck. Nathan's in trouble, and plenty of it, but he also knows what he did was wrong and he's sorry. Ezra took off and when Nathan couldn't find him he called me and told on _himself._ ” Buck softened a little at that, though his mouth stayed firmly in a frown.

“Well, he should be sorry, plenty sorry. That was a nasty thing to say.”

“It was, and he is. He's also exhausted. I know you got home late last night, was Nathan still up?” Buck suddenly looked sheepish and Josiah's radar flipped on. “What?”

“I wasn't exactly in any condition to remember if Nathan had been walking around naked last night, let alone if he were up or not.”

“When you knew you had the auction today,” Josiah rolled his eyes, opening his mouth to ask if Buck remembered what he'd bought when a cold thought shot from his brain to his stomach, “ _Buckley Wyatt Larabee, how did you get home last night?”_ The words came out a deadly whisper, and Buck gaped at him for a long second before his head shook back and forth wildly, his words tripping over each other in his rush to get them out.

“I didn't-I _swear_ , 'Siah, I wouldn't, I know better than that! Sherry drove my truck home, sober as a rock, and then I drove her home this morning.” And since Josiah didn't have a clue who Sherry was, that meant Buck had brought another strange girl home while the rest of them slept, which, since Vin and Ezra had walked into the kitchen and seen-Alexa? Lissa?-in nothing but a t-shirt and panties that it barely covered and had their eyes about pop out of their heads, while the girl in question shrieked at the top of her lungs because Buck had told her his parents weren't home, but not mentioned his brothers, he'd _asked_ him not to do that anymore (Or to, at the very least, ask them to put on pants before they left his room. Vin had been asking him some questions he had really hoped wouldn't need to be answered until Daddy was back to do it. No such luck.) he should probably be a little annoyed about it, but he was just so damn relieved he didn't care. Buck was looking at him with a mixture of wariness and indignation, shifting back and forth on his feet, like he was worried Josiah didn't believe him and getting pissed about it.

“Can you ask Sherry if she remembers if Nathan was still up?” Buck glared, and, okay, maybe Josiah was still annoyed about having to give even the beginning of the sex talk, but he relented now, “Sorry. I should've known you wouldn't do that.” Buck nodded, accepting his apology easily enough, for which Josiah was truly grateful. He needed Buck right now, and not just because it was his night to make dinner.

“Well,” Buck said looking down at the stained and somewhat sticky mattress, “I was wonderin' why JD would do something so plumb crazy, guess that explains it. When I walked in I could hear Vin yelling for him to stop, that Nathan would use him for a test subject if he didn't. Got upstairs just in time to see the flood released, JD standing up at the top of Nathan's bed. Ran like a bat out of hell when he saw me. Pretty sure the pitcher's in the hallway somewhere, still not sure if he just dropped it or if he was trying to slow me down.”

Josiah snorted, unable to help it, and when Buck raised an eyebrow he explained his thought, “Revenge of the Grade Schoolers. Or grade schooler, thank god there's only one of them. I'm going to go throw this in to soak, and then round up Nathan and Ezra. They're both taking a nap.”

“Uh...ain't Nate a little old for that?”

“Not when he looks like he's on the verge of making himself sick, he's not.” Josiah said, a frown making it's way to his face again as he turned to head out the doorway. He _should_ have noticed. Buck followed after him, and a second later he felt the sheet being tugged out of his hand and Buck pushing past him.

“Gimme that, I'll start it, you just worry about the boys.”

Buck jogged the rest of the way to the backstairs, and went down them fast enough that the, “Hey, no running!”, sprang from his lips with no bidding, Buck's calling over his shoulder that he wasn't running when he hadn't slowed down a bit making him huff. Coming down the stairs at a much safer pace he stopped at the bottom of the steps and smiled as he saw Buck had paused on his way to the laundry room to keep Vin from wheedling cookies out of Nathan, Nathan and Ezra still sitting at the big square table as Vin hovered by the far counter and the cookie jar.

“No, Nate ain't a 'buzzkill'-where the heck did you hear that anyway?”

“You.” Buck didn't seem to know what to say to that, fumbling for a second as Ezra grinned and Nathan rolled his eyes and muttered what Josiah was pretty sure was 'figures' under his breath.

“Yeah, well...until you're old enough to know what it means you don't need to say it.”

“I know what it means.” Vin gave Buck a irritated look and Buck shook his head.

“No, you don't.”

“Do to.”

“Nope.”

“Yeah, it means-”

“Shh, no Junior. Let your big brother pretend, 'cause I don't want to have to worry about that yet.”

“Worry about what?” Judging from the confused look on Vin's face, Buck was right, he probably had no idea the original definition was to ruin someone's drunk or high.

Josiah stepped forward, and said dryly, “Vin, what do you think buzzkill means?”

Bluntly, Vin stated, “To kill a good time 'cause you're a borin' stick in the mud, like someone who won't give people cookies.”

“ _Hey_ ,” Nathan protested, as Buck let out a relieved sounded sigh.

“No cookies, Vin, and no teasing your brother. Time to do your homework, get your backpack and go on into the den.”

“Ain't got any.” It might have been more convincing if Vin had actually looked at him rather than his hairline, and Josiah raised an eyebrow that had the boy giving him a slightly bashful smile, and admitting, “Got a science test to study for though.

“Alright, you go work on that, I'll be in to check on you a little later.” He ruffled Vin's hair as he sidled past him to get his book, pleased that he'd told him the truth so quickly. He turned back in time to see Buck disappear into the laundry room, whistling loudly, because of course he was, and Nathan and Ezra whispering back and forth to each other. Nathan looked frustrated, but he nodded to whatever Ezra had just said, and Josiah wondered if it had anything to do with Nathan being so worried Ezra would think he didn't want to carry him. Well, their plates were clean so for now he was going to concentrate on getting them both upstairs, and figuring that out could come later. “Alright boys, plates in the sink, upstairs.”

“Am Ah _required_ to take a nap?” Ezra asked, nose wrinkling in distaste as he rose from the table, following Nathan over to the sink.

“Yes.” When he stopped in Ezra's room to talk he'd allow him to pick out a book, the usual thing the boys were allowed to entertain themselves with when sent to their room, since it did look like he'd already gotten a long enough rest, but he knew very well that one of the main reasons Nathan wasn't arguing was being fair to Ezra, and he had every intention of using that to his advantage.

“Fine.” The boy grumbled setting the plate down in the sink, a little too hard judging from the resulting clang. “Sorry.”

“It's okay.” There had been a little tremble in Ezra's sorry, and clearly, even if he and Nathan had made up, the boy was still feeling more than a little upset. “No harm done.” He stepped to the side, so he wasn't blocking the stairs, and gestured for the boys to go up ahead of him. They both moved slower than he'd expected, like they were marching to their deaths, and Josiah took the time to walk over to the laundry room door and poke his head in. He was not as surprised as he wished he was to find that Buck's whistling was now accompanied by a full on dance number as a waterfall of steaming hot water flowed over Nathan's comforter in the oversized sink, Buck picking it up and turning it to get new spots in-between dance moves, pink water running down from the comforter that had previously been chocolate brown with dark green swirls and running down the drain. Now Josiah wasn't sure what color you would call it. Would color-safe bleach work? “Hey, flashdance, could you take JD up a snack? I'm going to have my hands full for awhile,” Buck, who had been in the middle of a rather impressive twist, sprang upright when Josiah talked and nearly fell into the sink, Josiah grabbing his shoulder to keep him steady, and holding in his laugh, “and I have a feeling dinner's going to be late tonight. The other boys had pizza and carrot sticks.”

“Don't sneak up on a man like that, jeez! And yeah, of course.”

“It's not like I knew you were going to be putting on a show. Thanks.” Nathan and Ezra were just standing at the top of the stairs when Josiah caught up to them, talking with their heads bent close together again, but this time it was Ezra who looked frustrated. Hmm. “Nathan, go change into something comfortable to sleep in, then head to my room. You too Ezra, change and get into bed. I'll come and talk to each of you in a bit.” Ezra let out a heavy sigh, and Josiah, who could generally tell his dramatics from when he was actually upset, just inclined his head in the direction of his and Vin's room, and after a moment the boy got, though grudgingly. Nathan had already disappeared into his room and shut the door by the time Ezra was halfway to his.

Walking down the hall he knocked lightly on JD's half open door before pushing it open and walking in. “Hey, kidlet.” JD mumbled a 'hey' back at him from where he was sitting criss-cross apple sauce in the middle of his red comforter with his stuffed raccoon held tightly in his arms and a pout on his face. Josiah moved over to sit down sideways on the edge of the bed, looking at him. “You want to tell me why you thought pouring kool-aid on Nathan's bed was a good idea?”

Squishing his chin down into the top of Verne's head, voice stubborn to match his face, he declared, “'Cause Nathan is a stupid jerkface and said nasty, _mean_ things and made Ezra cry. Ezra _never_ cries, but Nathan made him, so now I don't like him anymore.” Well, that was a thorough explanation. The truth was, if JD had, say, poured red kool-aid on a kid at the playground in defense of Ezra, Josiah wouldn't have been that upset about it. But he didn't like his brother's being cruel to each other, and while JD at only nine obviously wasn't as guilty as Nathan, he wasn't going to let him get away with it either.

“I can understand that the things you heard Nathan say upset you, they _were_ mean, but that doesn't mean destroying Nathan's property was the right thing to do.” He reached out and stuck two fingers under JD's chin, tilting his face up just enough to look him in the eye, “There are better ways to deal with it when you're upset with one of your brothers. Aren't there?”

“Maybe.” It was a somewhat disagreeable mutter and Josiah thought for a moment about how to make him understand.

“Think about it, JD. How would you like it if next time you got in a fight with one of us, somebody else decided you'd been too mean and poured kool-aid on your firetruck pillow cases?” JD's eyes darted quickly to look at the top of his bed and the blue pillow cases that matched his sheets with red firetrucks emblazoned on them, some of the stubbornness fading away as it did so. “Do you think that would make you sad?” Reluctantly, JD nodded. “Do you think what you did to Nathan's bed made him sad?” Biting his lip, JD didn't answer for a long moment, Josiah prompting him, “JD?”

“Yeees...but he made Ezra sad first!”

“JD,” Josiah sighed, “It's not your-”

“Why would he do that, 'Siah? Why would he be so mean? He said bad things to him about _Daddy_.” It was like JD's little face broke with his last question, tears gushing out of him as he struggled to get his words out, “Does he not love him anymore 'cause he got in trouble? That's not fair! Is he gonna stop loving me if I get in trouble?”

Oh. Oh, poor baby. Josiah plucked JD up and pulled him into his lap, telling him, “Of course not, of course not, kidlet. Nathan still loves Ezra, and he still loves you, and that's not ever gonna change,” rocking him back and forth as he spoke, “None of us are ever gonna stop loving you, or Ezra, or any of us. We're a family and we love each other forever,” repeating different versions of the same thing as JD buried himself in his chest, crying hard, until his tears dried as suddenly as they started, turning into sniffles.

“I want Mama.”

“I know baby, we'll call her after dinner, okay?”

“No, I want her _here._ ” So did Josiah.

“I know. I'm sorry, JD, but I can't make Friday come any sooner.”

“Then I want Buck.” That stung a little, but Josiah nodded his head. Buck, who must have been hovering outside the doorway, swooped in before he could promise to find him, a sympathetic smile on his face and a plate of pizza in his hand.

“Hey there, lil' bit, I'm right here, no need to go wanting me.” Josiah hoisted JD up so Buck could take him, JD clinging to him like a monkey as Buck propped him on his hip, and Josiah slid down the bed and stood up so Buck could take his place. “'Siah, could ya hand us that book on the dresser? Yeah, that's the one, there.”

Picking it up, Josiah smiled, not surprised that this was a book Buck and JD would read together, “Sideways Stories from Wayside School. That's a good one.”

“It's funny.” JD said quietly, as Buck handed him his plate and then took the book from Josiah's outstretched hand.

“Sure is, lil' bit-where are we at, chapter four?”

“No, Buck, the end of chapter three,” JD's head shook rapidly as he sat his plate in his lap and reached out to take control of the book, “here, I'll find the page, we don't want to skip _any._ ” As JD concentrated on making sure he didn't miss out on any of his story, Josiah moved to leave the room and Buck called quietly after him.

“Hey, pretty sure you should talk to Nathan next.” That had been opposite of what he planned, but before he could ask Buck why he continued, “Just trust me on this one 'Siah.” Josiah nodded, and walked quietly out of the room, smiling at JD assigning 'roles' as he left-apparently Buck was to read the grown-ups and the narration, but JD wanted to read the student's dialogue. And could Buck _please_ do voices? As though the answer would ever be no.

Across the hall and down one, was his room, where Nathan should be resting, but as he saw when he walked in, he was not. Instead, Nathan was sitting at his desk scribbling away at what Josiah assumed was homework, and he sucked a long breath in through his nose, tamping down on his irritation, knowing it wouldn't help any. Most of his irritation, anyway.

“Nathaniel.” Nathan jumped, surprised, and then pushed himself around slowly in the desk chair, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. “I would have thought you'd be doing as you were told, knowing how much trouble you're in.”

“I'm sorry Josiah, but this is important. I-”

“I know your homework is important, but it's not as important as your health-”

“Josiah, just _listen_.”

“Nathan, get in bed and I'll listen as long as you want, but if you don't get in bed I might just put you in it myself.” Nathan glared at him, clearly frustrated, but took a deep breath and stood up, picking up the paper he'd been working on and headed towards the side of the bed closest to the door, shoving the paper at Josiah as he passed him. Josiah frowned as he took it and read it over, his stomach dropping and then rolling at the worst of it. “Nathan...what is this?”

Nathan was sliding under the covers now, and he rolled on his side so he was facing Josiah, “It's a list that was in Ezra's sketchbook. It either fell out of his pocket, or he dropped it, and landed so I could see it. I copied it down the best I could remember, Josiah, I think I got it all. But Ezra, what do we do-not only all those terrible people he had to stay with-”

“They weren't all bad,” Josiah reassured, not just Nathan but himself too, as he looked over the list, “it says he misses Memaw Betsy and Poppa Joe, and that he had fun with his Tofin cousins, and there's a couple more good ones, Aunt Harriet, and Cousin Felipe, and...” Josiah trailed off as he realized that those were the only ones Ezra had written good things about. There were also two entries that had no notes at all, but that could mean anything

He didn't know what kind of evil bitch had made his brother sleep in her cellar, but Savannah's school was down south, maybe once things were back to normal around here he could plan a visit and they could see if they could find this 'second cousin Miss Ellis'.

“Four decent families she left him with out of the twelve on that list, Josiah, four. And what about that list of reasons to run-away or not? Josiah, I don't think he thinks we really want him, not just me, all of us, even Mama and Daddy. He said he was 'foisted' on Mama, and I told him he wasn't, but...I don't know if he believed me, or what else to do.”

“Hey,” Josiah moved to sit on the side of the bed, rubbing his hand up and down Nathan's arm as he saw his eyes start to glisten. “You did exactly what you needed to do. You told me, and I can make sure Mama knows, and we'll get it taken care of. We'll make sure Ezra knows this is home forever, not just one more in a string of them.”

“I thought I knew how bad it was for Ezra before, Josiah, I thought I understood, but I don't think I had a clue.”

“We've been very lucky, Nathan, neither of us have ever been hurt like that. I don't think you _can_ understand something like that until you've been through it.”

“I know Daddy didn't even know about him, let alone how he was being treated, but...”

“I know, Nathan, sometimes it makes me angry too. But he's here now. He's with us. No one's going to hurt him like that again.”

“I did.” It was a whisper, Nathan rolling over onto his stomach and facing his head away from Josiah almost before he finished saying it, and with a small growl, because, no he had _not_ , he took hold of Nathan's shoulder and hip and turned him right back over, letting go and pointing in his brother's face as he spoke.

“No, you did not-

“'Siah-”

“No, Nathaniel Jacob, that sin is not on your shoulders and I will _not_ have you bearing it, do you hear me?” Nathan's face was growing stubborn and Josiah growled again, shaking his head as he moved the hand that had been pointing at him to grip Nathan's chin and make him meet his eyes, “I mean it, you lost your temper and said hurtful words, and then apologized and made sure he knew you didn't mean it. You did not abuse our brother and I might just swat you, you don't stop saying you did.” There was a hint of wariness now, and Nathan kept his mouth closed, eventually nodding as Josiah kept his eyes trained on him. “That's better. You just try and get some sleep, okay?” Reluctantly, Nathan nodded, Josiah waiting until the boy had turned over in his bed again, shifting down into his blankets and closing his eyes, before he stood up.

Two down, one to go.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of, but no actually description of, past corporal punishment of minors.

Ezra tried to keep his mind focused on what he was doing, reading over his french notes and practicing the different conjugations, chanting quietly to himself as he sat leaning back in bed, propped up on his pillows. He'd dressed in his sleep clothes as a concession to Josiah, but had not climbed under the covers. His pronunciation was getting really quite satisfactory, and if he could just concentrate on that thoroughly enough he wouldn't be worrying about the immense amount of trouble Ezra knew he must be in, or even more distressing, the fact that he had been unable to secure a promise from Nathan on keeping the contents of his sketchpad, one page in particular, from Josiah.

He'd promised readily enough not to tell Daddy and Alice, and it was only after, when Josiah had walked in the room, that Ezra had realized the incredibly obvious loophole he'd left him. Clearly, he was slipping. Nathan had refused to extend his promise to Josiah, said he had to inform someone, but as Ezra had assured him he was not intending to run away he didn't see why.

“Je suis, tu es, il est...” He really didn't want to leave, not anymore. He'd been...intimidated, or perhaps timorous, when Mother had first left him here, in a house with quite a few boys bigger than him, a father he wasn't entirely sure was his, and a stepmother who smiled and called him hon, but couldn't entirely hide the red around her eyes those first weeks. Or the shouting that would spring up between her and Daddy, suddenly hushed as they remembered the children likely listening, only to start up again later.

A few years ago, when he'd been JD's age, Mother had done something similar, dropped him off on a man named Ken Reiser's doorstep with a few hurried words and a quick kiss to Ezra's cheek. Only Ken hadn't been his father, and when test results had shown that things had taken a wretched turn in a situation that had already been less than desirable, Ezra thought, frowning as he shifted on his bed and rubbed idly at his shoulder. He hadn't stayed there long, Mother had returned for him after only a month, but it had felt like an endless eternity. Ezra had been expecting from the moment she told him what was going on, that she had to leave the country for a time and he would be staying with his father, for the same thing to happen again here, but it hadn't.

He thought maybe that Mother had been uncertain about his parentage, it was feasible even that she had thought it far more likely that Mr. Reiser was his father. The possibility that he had been left there as part of some con, or simply because it was convenient for her, was not something he liked to think about, though he couldn't always keep such thoughts from his mind.

Things had been uncomfortable, Ezra supposed that had been inevitable for a time, but they had not been unbearable. The older boys had been mad at their father, not at him, and nobody had been cruel, even before they knew for certain he was their brother. Though Chris had mostly ignored him at first and Vin had been less then enthusiastic about having to share his room. He hadn't actually said anything, had almost certainly been told not to, but Ezra had been able to see it. He hadn't been used to other children or teenagers, except for his cousins, David and Jasmine Tofin, he'd never really had much opportunity to socialize with others his own age. There had been other cousins, but they had been the only ones who had both wanted to and been allowed to play with him, and he had felt rather like a square peg trying to fit inside a round hole the first few months here. Ezra hadn't known the games they played, or understood their inside jokes, but while he'd once overheard JD ask Buck very seriously if he thought Ezra had been raised in a lab like a character in his comic, Buck hadn't laughed, or said yes, or that he was a freak, like he'd dreaded. Instead, Buck had told JD that he thought Ezra had been raised by people who didn't let him play or be a kid, and that it was their job to teach him how.

If it had been anyone else uttering those words Ezra would have been offended, put-off, but Buck...Buck was, for lack of other suitable vocabulary, _cool._

The week after that had been a trial, Ezra couldn't move than two steps without JD accosting him and demanding he play hide and seek, or tag, or JD's favorite game of 'fire rescue'-which mostly involved Ezra shouting, 'help, help, fire,' and JD running up while making siren noises and pretending to spray him with a hose-except for the time he'd gotten both Vin and him to play and then sprayed them with the _actual_ hose. They had gotten their revenge for that, very thoroughly-JD hadn't minded the mud bath at all, not until he realized it meant he had to take an _actual_ bath a night early.

His brothers were much rowdier, certainly much louder, than his cousins had been, and it had astounded him both how quickly they began to include him in what Alice called 'the center of all chaos' and how quickly he had wanted to be included.

The rules here had been very different than what he was accustomed to-when he had injured his shoulder and put it back in against the barn wall Josiah had acted like he'd tried to commit hari kari, and in general made a much bigger to-do of the situation than Ezra had felt was warranted. Explaining to Daddy and M-Alice that his shoulder slipped out occasionally, and that that was the most expedient way to deal with the trouble had had them exchanging glances that were beyond Ezra's comprehension. He'd wound up spending the afternoon at the doctor's office instead of on a ride and had been vexed with Josiah for several days, and made sure his oldest brother was well aware of it.

He'd only managed to go the one day without speaking to him, though, and could admit in the private sanctuary of his own mind that the only thing that had accomplished was making him feel guilty. In what had initially been a rather staggering surprise, Ezra found himself very fond of his brothers and sister.

And Daddy...Daddy had been everything he ever imagined in a father, only completely dissimilar at the same time. There was no fancy car, trips to the theater, or European vacations, no sophisticated man with perfectly coiffed hair. But he was tall and strong like he'd imagined, and there were rides with his siblings in the open bed of a pick-up truck to the lake at the edge of the ranch to fish or swim, and if they were swimming Daddy would get in the water with them, and splash and dunk them and wrestle around like he was a boy himself, and they had movie nights where they got to gorge themselves on pizza and popcorn and stay up until they passed out, and long afternoons where patient, gentle hands taught him how to aim a gun or throw a lasso.

Sometimes, not very often, because there were a _multitude_ of them, he'd do something special with just Ezra, they'd go riding, or he'd show him a new painting technique. Sometimes he'd look at his drawings and critique them for him, help Ezra see where he could improve, not just say he admired them because he was his son or because that was what an adult was supposed to do. Daddy would actually tell him what he thought, the good and the bad qualities, and he'd never had an adult who wanted to do things like that with him before, not really. 

Jack Larabee was gruff looking and plain spoken, with a deep farmer's tan and a slight weather beaten look to his face and rough, work calloused, hands, hair that started to curl in all different directions the week before he went to the barber, and eyes a few shades lighter than Ezra's. His clothes tended to be either Walmart or Carhart brand and he wore them until Alice threw them away when they started to have holes wear right through them. He looked tough and hard, and he could be, Ezra had seen it when Stuart James had been trying to intimidate him into selling the tract of land that gave them access to the main water source for their cattle. His Daddy was not a man who gave in or backed down. But smile lines were the ones carved deepest into his face, and for such a big man, he had a light, carrying laugh. He had a way with the animals on their farm, knew which ones he had to be gentle with, and which ones firm-everyone of them loved him, even Peso, and Daddy said he thought Peso had been made custom order just for Vin, wouldn't let any of the other boys get near him when he was saddled, not unless Vin was already in the seat.

He'd let him select a horse, not just for his use, but for his  _own_ . It had taken until they were in the field, Daddy pointing out horses he thought Ezra should consider before he'd actually believed it wasn't some kind of jest. Chaucer was both a noble steed and a loyal companion, and the fact that he was Ezra's horse...well, sometimes it still felt like a dream. 

People assumed,  _Ezra_ had assumed and felt thoroughly ashamed of it, that the plain way he dressed, the fact that he had not been allowed the privilege of a college education meant Jack Larabee was not a knowledgeable man, and well he was not one to spend his days pouring over books, Ezra knew now that one did not take the small cattle operation his Daddy had inherited and turn it into the large, thriving ranch it was today without both being of formidable intelligence and well versed in matters of business. Ezra didn't miss the imaginary ideal he'd used to spend hours thinking about, but Lord he missed his Daddy. 

One more month. That's what Alice had promised before she left Monday night, in her last conversation with Daddy's doctor the man had said he was making great strides and would be able to come home in no more than a month's time. Alice had explained that he would not be entirely back to his regular self by then, simply well enough to continue recovering at home, but it was him being home that mattered.

It was just that a month was still so very far away.

Alice was very kind too, a little stricter than Daddy, but she was always hugging all of them, or smoothing their hair, and not just when she was saying good morning or good night, but seemingly for no reason, she'd reach out to hug or kiss or stroke him or one of the others. Ezra had flinched, noticeably to his mortification, the first time she'd laid a hand on his shoulder. Alice had acted like she hadn't seen it, to his relief, but the way she carefully telegraphed her movements around him after that, slowly starting to touch him more as he began to relax around them had made it obvious. She was a tall woman with a long, regal neck, shining dark skin, a soft, knowing smile, and dressed in the sort of clothes that the mother's on television did-jeans or trousers, soft sweaters, button-up blouses, or t-shirts, her hair a riotous halo of curls around her head. Ezra thought she was exceedingly lovely, and at least as smart as Daddy, if not more intelligent. Somehow, even when his brothers were roughhousing and carrying on at such a volume Ezra couldn't hear himself think, Savannah egging them on when she was home, Alice could get them all to stop and listen with a word. She was the head of the nursing department at the local hospital, and he'd heard Alice had the same command over her staff, and truthfully, he would have found it more astonishing if it were otherwise.

She sang along whenever music was playing, no matter what type it was, oldies, pop, show-tunes, opera, she even sang along to the non-rapping parts in rap songs, and a couple of times Ezra and his siblings had been treated to the hilarity of her attempting the rap portion. This was even better when it was an older rap song that she actually knew the words too, such as when Savannah had refused to believe her mother knew every word to Gangster's Paradise. Alice's voice was, he had to admit, only average in quality, it was strong and she could carry a tune, nothing more. Yet the enthusiasm his stepmother had for it, the emotion she could convey, gave her singing a vitality and animation that several classical singers Ezra had been to see couldn't hold a candle to.

He did miss her, and dearly, for all he'd found himself unable to admit to such a weakness to Nathan. Alice was generally gone for no more than three days at a time, leaving right before bedtime and coming home early in the morning on the fourth day, often before they were up. It was a time period that should have held no trouble for him, should have been easily surmountable-Mother had left him alone for longer than that more than once, starting years ago, and he'd never been overly bothered as long as the rent was paid and he had sufficient foodstuffs, or at least an opportunity to acquire enough funds to take care of those necessary expenses. 

It was one of the first times Ezra had found himself obeying rules not because the punishment was not worth the reward, or because they suited him fine, but because he hated when either of them looked at him with disappointment.

Yet, lately he couldn't seem to keep himself out of trouble. First had been the ill thought out poker match in the back corner of the soccer field, gambling on school grounds was an instant suspension, then he'd been issued a written citation three times for disrespect (though as further research had proved that his history teacher had indeed had the date for Hawaii being claimed as a U.S territory confused with the date it had become a state, Ezra did not think preventing his fellow students from being misinformed by someone too indolent to even use google search disrespectful, or rather he was not entirely sure Mrs. Jennings deserved his respect) which had resulted in two days of in-school suspension, and now he had been suspended again, for gambling again.

Ezra rather suspected what his sentence would be if Daddy were here to hand it out. On the second day after he'd arrived his father had called him into his study and explained the 'house rules' to him, and outlined the consequences should he fail to adhere to them. Being grounded or losing privileges were penalties he'd run up across several times before, but he had only faced more severe chastisement once, when he'd seen Buck ride the hay hook down from the loft, heavy enough he'd seemed to zoom through the air impossibly fast. Daddy's reaction to _Buck_ doing it, scolding him quietly but intently as he dragged him off to finish 'talking', had certainly made it manifestly clear that he would be equally displeased if Ezra did the same.

That didn't mean it hadn't looked remarkably diverting, like a smaller, simpler, version of some of the carnival rides he'd seen advertised or driven by, and Ezra had found himself imagining sailing down it several times over the remainder of the day. Knowing Daddy didn't leave it up all the time, and his window of opportunity was narrow, Ezra had laid awake in bed until he was sure everyone else had been asleep, and then crept outside to the first cow barn. It had been darker than he expected with the moon nearly full, but Ezra had let his eyes adjust until he could see well enough to make his way up to the loft and the hay hook, and after only a brief hesitation had gone soaring down from the loft, landing with a delighted laugh. A delighted laugh that had quickly cut itself off when he realized the night suddenly looked brighter because Daddy was marching towards him, a lantern dangling from his hand, face pale and furious.

Getting suspended for the second time for the same infraction, particularly for something that was against his family's rules in the first place, Ezra would likely have, to steal a phrase his brothers and sister had coined, 'caught it' again. If Alice were home he wasn't sure if that would have been a possibility or not-he certainly didn't want to think it was, but could not rule it out.

When Vin had lied and said he was spending the night at Josh Potter's, something he regularly did, and instead snuck off to try and camp by himself, Daddy being gone, meeting with a potential new buyer, had not gotten him a reprieve when Alice had called Mrs. Potter to make sure he'd made it there alright. Once Vin had been located and retrieved (Chris had known immediately where he was once the adults had gotten that camping had been part of the plan out of Josh) Alice had informed Ezra that she needed to 'talk' with his brother in private, and he would need to occupy himself somewhere besides his room. While Vin had never actually discussed it with Ezra the lump in the bed across from his had very definitely been laying on his stomach, the opposite of Vin's usual habit, when he came up to bed.

Biting his lip slightly and pushing his forgotten French homework further to the side, Ezra pulled his knees closer to his body and crossed his arms on top of them. There were far worse things than simple punishment, things that if allowed to surface reminded him what he was really worried about.

He didn't want to think about it, didn't want to acknowledge it, but more than anything he was scared that Nathan had been right. That both Daddy and Alice would be ashamed of him, that they had good reason to be ashamed of him. That whether his brother had meant what he'd said or not there had been truth in it. Ezra knew that none of his brothers, not even Chris and Buck, who had apparently been _wild_ in high school, had as extensive a record as him, and Four Corners Middle School was certainly not the first learning institution he'd been on the verge of being expelled from. He was sarcastic and could be short tempered, and he had no skills at team sports, and....he was useless, completely useless, even his own mother didn't want him, didn't love him, so why would anybody else? Ezra couldn't do anything right, never had been able to. A good son, the son his father deserved, wouldn't be getting into trouble, causing extra stress for his family at a time like this. He was an ungrateful brat, to act like this after everything. He ruined everything he touched, that's why he could never stay anywhere, why no one wanted him, and now he'd done it here, he'd showed them just how awful, how _bad_ he was, a useless _nothing_ and...

“Oh, Ezra...”, shocked and horrified at hearing Josiah's voice in the doorway, Ezra flinched hard, then hurriedly wiped his eyes, straightening up and attempting to make his face look normal.

“Hello, Josiah.” His brother was walking over to him, but he seemed almost dazed, and Ezra felt his senses going on high alert as he sat down on his bed, looking at him like he thought he was going to break.

“Ezra...those things you were saying aren't true,” No. He hadn't been speaking out loud. He couldn't have been, if nothing else he'd had greater self control than that embedded into him years ago. _No._ “You are not useless, you are _not_ bad, and you sure as hell aren't _nothing._ You're a good kid. I love you, and I'm so glad you're my brother.” 

Ezra knew he should nod, and say he knew that was true, that he had merely been having a moment of self-doubt and there was no reason for Josiah to be overly concerned.

But he needed to know. He needed to know _so badly._

“ _Why?”_

 


	4. Chapter 4

Josiah's jaw wanted to drop at Ezra's question, but he didn't let it. That look of pleading had about twenty pounds of pressure behind it, because if Josiah screwed up answering this one the consequences to his little brother's psyche would be extreme. Why?  Why did he love his little brother? Because he _did_ , because he was his _brother_ , but Josiah knew that wouldn't be enough. He tried to think of what his parents would have done or said in this situation, and had to stop as an overwhelming urge to call them surged inside them. Later, it would have to be later, though he wasn't waiting until eight, that was for damn sure. Right now, though, Josiah had to deal with what was in front of him with whatever tools he already had. He wasn't at all sure they would be good enough, but he had to do something.

"Because you're _you,_ Ezra. You're smart, and,” Josiah reached out and pulled the still desperate and now doubtful looking boy into his arms, so he was almost, but not quite, sitting in his lap, “you're amazingly funny, and you're just plain a _good_ kid, Ezra. You were brave enough to tell Mama about Li-Pong's uncle even though you were worried she wouldn't want to be your friend anymore. God, Ezra, you saved that girl, and you don't know how proud...” Josiah paused for a moment, starting to choke up, but he'd felt Ezra stiffen, that memory clearly somewhere he didn't want to go, and, with a swallow, he kept talking. “You do your best to be patient with JD and Vin, even when JD is bugging you to play the same game fifty times in a row, and I remember from when Nathan was little how annoying that can be,” He nudged him, hoping to elicit a little bit of a smile from Ezra, but his expression stayed the same, “You're good with the animals, never said a mean word to your horse, and he can be a mite trying.” 

Ezra interrupted here, willing to speak up for his horse in a way he never would have for himself, “Chaucer is a gentlemen, and if he gives those caring for him any trouble, he is just reminding you of the care and attention due a beast of his stature.” Josiah had to hide a smile at the seriousness in Ezra's tone, it clear he meant every word.

“And how many people would just call him spoiled and stubborn? Wouldn't know he just needs to feel appreciated to show his best?” As Ezra pondered that Josiah considered that Ezra and his horse had more in common than you would expect. Both had been ignored and neglected in their previous homes, and both had to be drawn out of their shells carefully, and both, once their trust was won, were amazingly loyal. The rescue horse had slowly warmed to their father, but it hadn't been until Ezra had chosen him, Daddy biting his lip visibly when his brother had examined the beautiful, but sometimes ornery or skittish horse, and told Daddy that this 'stupendous creature' was the one he chose for his 'steed', that they began to see just what Chaucer, as Ezra had renamed him, was capable of. As the horse learned a variety of tricks, the simplest and cleverest of which was lifting the latch on his stall door to free himself-Ezra swore he hadn't realized Chaucer would use his new skill to release the other horses, but since he'd been too delighted with his 'genius horse' to successfully pretend any kind of remorse, who could say-the boy had seemed to gain in confidence at the same time.

Not the showboating, almost swaggering, act he put on when trying to impress those he didn't particularly like, or the proper and refined little gentleman routine, but a self-satisfaction and pride that seemed to fill his brother from the inside out. Ezra was naturally a little bit cocky, a little bit of a show-off, rather like Buck, really, but when he'd worked that hard at something Josiah so no reason why he shouldn't show off a little. “I think it took a very special young man, who I'm proud to call my brother, to see and bring that out in Chaucer.” For the first time since he'd pulled him close Ezra leaned into him, just a little, and Josiah gave a mental sigh of relief.

“Ah feel a similah pride in our fraternal relationship.” Ezra's voice was quiet and a hint hesitant, unsure how his statement would be taken, but Josiah beamed and pulled Ezra close enough to press a kiss to the top of his head, the boy not squirming away while informing him in irritated tones that he was 'not an infant', as he usually would have.

“Thank you.” Silence reigned for a moment after that, words not needed, and when Ezra pulled away a little Josiah let him, happy when he stayed near, his side still touching Josiah's. He wasn't quite sure where to go next, if he should say nothing and see if Ezra talked, or bring up either the suspension or the lists Nathan had found. He couldn't just sit there forever though, he had to make sure Vin was actually studying and not playing video games, make the lunches for tomorrow, start on chores(and he intended to do the majority of Nathan's himself instead of leaving them for Buck or the hands to finish), and then he needed to start on the prep work he had left for his classes tomorrow. Thinking that the suspension was really just a symptom of the bigger problem that damn list represented, Josiah decided to start with the list. “Ezra, Nathan told me about the list he saw in your notebook, drew it out for me as best as he could remember.” He waited to see if Ezra would say anything, but except for a sharp intake of breath there was no reaction. “We're worried that part of the reason you made it is because you think this isn't your forever home, and I want you to know that it is. This is where you live until you're a grown-up and both want to and are ready to be out on your own. You don't ever have to worry about going back to any of the people who hurt you. If you ran away we'd miss you and look for you everyday until we found you, but I hope you don't want to run away.”

Sounding like he was choosing his words very carefully, Ezra slowly began trying to explain the list away, “The majority of the entries on that paper were made when Ah had only been here a few months, certainly before mah stay had lengthened to ovah a year.” He closed his mouth, then opened it again for just a few seconds, like he was going to say something else, but had changed his mind.

“So, does that mean you don't want to run away?” Nothing. No response at all, as far as Ezra's face and body language read Josiah hadn't even spoken. “Ezra?” His brother moved then, a glance up at Josiah's face that he thought he wasn't supposed to see, and then an almost invisible nod before he spoke.

“Ah want to stay here.”

“Good. That's real good.” Some of the worry seeped out of Josiah at that. He'd already been fairly certain that that was the truth, but hearing it out of the boy's mouth reassured him more than anything else could have.

“Josiah?”

“Yes, bud?”

“Since Ah am not actually planning to take mah leave there isn't any reason to discuss the particulars with Alice or Daddy is there? With everything that is going on Ah see no need to risk alarming them so.” Josiah looked down at Ezra's best hopeful and innocent expression, and despite knowing his brother was trying to con him, or at least using his version of JD's puppy face in a way that should be outlawed, he still wished he didn't have to say no. He knew Ezra would worry about their reaction no matter what he told him, but he had to tell them.

“I think you already know the answer to that question, Ezra. They won't be mad, just concerned.” The look his brother gave him at that implied that he thought he kept his brains somewhere besides his head, or possibly had no brains to keep anywhere, and Josiah nodded his head at him, “I'm serious. If you actually had run away, then, yeah, they'd be mad, because you'd be putting yourself in danger and they don't want you to get hurt, but you didn't do anything wrong, Ezra, not just by making a list. And that's not the only list you had...Ezra, they need to know about the things that happened before, about what it was like for you.”

“You don't think they'll think it's disrespectful?” Ezra averted his gaze down and slightly to the side, so he was looking at Josiah's arm rather than his face, fingers moving to fiddle with the sleeve of his pajama top, “...Or that Ah'm being ungrateful? Ah...Ah already give them more trouble than the rest of you.”

“No. No, Ezra, you don't, and no, I don't think that at all. C'mon, pal, look at me.” He'd leave the fact that Ezra had entirely ignored the second half of his statement alone for now, knowing that he needed to nip this ungrateful idea in the bud. Ezra might not be particularly excited about things like choosing the majority of his clothing from the sales rack, but any complaints he made weren't truly serious, and he'd never seen him display the sorts of tantrums and disrespect that made Josiah think of ungrateful teenagers-and he'd dealt with more than one child who did behave that way in his teaching. He definitely didn't think that Ezra's list counted as either disrespectful or ungrateful, not at all, it was the action of a scared and insecure child trying to give himself a bit of extra security, a back-up plan. It infuriated him and broke his heart that Ezra had thought he needed to make such a list in the first place, but it was the people who'd hurt his brother he was so disgusted with, not Ezra.

He didn't quite want to admit it, anymore than he could push the thought entirely from his mind, but he was angry at both his parents and himself for not realizing that Ezra was still so insecure. For not realizing just how bad he was hurting.

Ezra had kept his eyes down while Josiah had been waiting for him to respond, but stopped playing with his sleeve, just holding himself very still even while he was pressing against Josiah's side. Josiah twisted a bit so that he was facing towards him and moved his head down to try and catch his brother's eye, repeating, “Look at me, Ez.” Ezra's head crept up just enough for them to make eye contact, his face having gotten that shuttered look that meant he wasn't going to admit he was hurting. “This is your home. You are their child. You don't owe them anything for being here, for being taken care of. That's what parents are _supposed_ to do.” A slow nod, somehow conveying Ezra's skepticism even though his face didn't show a single sign of it, was his answer. “I'm serious.”

“There are requirements children are supposed to fulfill as well, to hold up their end of the bargain, and Ah have been lax in doing mah part. And when one does not complete their expected contribution to a deal the othah parties are entitled to back out as well, their obligation void.” Bargain? Back out? _Obligation?_ What the hell was Ezra talking about? That couldn't be what his brother actually thought, it _couldn't_ be, but he said it like he thought it was a perfectly reasonable idea, and he thought Josiah would already know everything he'd said. Josiah wondered if someone had actually taught him that, or if the idea had simply been imparted on him through everything he'd dealt with.

If someone had taught his brother that, had sat down to teach the boy that he wasn't worthy of care or affection unless he lived up to an ideal, well, they had better stay far away from Four Corners and especially from his brother.

“No, Ezra. Things like trips to the movies, or your allowance, _those_ are things you can earn or lose through your behavior. Being a part of this family, being taken care of the way any child your age should expect is not part of any bargain. Mama and Daddy love you no matter what, just like the rest of us, and there is _nothing_ you can do to change that. Getting into trouble, upsetting them, that doesn't take that away-if it did, I'd have been kicked out a long time ago.”

A nod and a sad, but accepting, smile, that probably would have fooled anyone who didn't know Ezra as well as his family did, was his answer, and Josiah knew that this was far from over, but thought he'd pushed enough for now. “Now, I got the feeling downstairs that you aren't very tired-”

“Mah sleeping schedule will be thrown off grievously if Ah attempt to nap this late in the day, so Ah would prefer not to reach out to Morpheus just yet.”

“You know, you're probably the only thirteen year old I know who knows that Morpheus isn't just a character from the Matrix. In fact, you're the most well read thirteen year old I've ever met.” Josiah smiled to himself as Ezra's posture straightened a little, pleased at the compliment, “Have you ever read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett? It's one of my favorites.” While the book was in some ways a _very_ loose parody of The Omen, and a wonderfully fun read, the heart of it was about choosing what was right over what was easy, about someone being torn between temptation and the love of friendship, about making your own destiny no matter what had been planned out for you, but also about forgiving yourself for having that temptation, for simply being human, no more and no less, in the first place, and he thought that would be a good lesson for Ezra to learn.

“No, but Ah have explored some of Pratchett's discworld series and found them delightful.” Clearly relieved that they were no longer discussing what they had been, Ezra had relaxed some.

“You've still got a couple more hours until dinner, you want to borrow it?”

“That would be most agreeable, thank you.” With a hair ruffle that had his brother sliding away and attempting to hide his smile behind a scowl, Josiah stood on his feet, and went to go get the book.

He probably should have been less surprised than he was to see JD down the hall, standing and trying to peer into the half open doorway of Josiah's bedroom, rather than in his own where he belonged. Walking down the hallway towards him, Josiah asked, “Kidlet? What are you doing?”

JD turned and beckoned him closer, than put a finger to his lips before announcing in a stage whisper nearly as loud as his regular voice, “I think Nathan had a scary dream, he yelled real loud and he didn't wake up at first when Buck was shaking him.” Hell. Patting JD absently on the head, his hand being pushed off while JD made a face, Josiah went to go into the room, only to have to stop and tell JD that he knew he wanted to help, but he didn't think Nathan would want an audience, and wasn't JD supposed to be in his room, anyway? The pout on his face told him what JD thought of that, but, while he didn't head back to his room, he quit trying to follow Josiah, returning to his spot in the hallway. Well, when he was done with this, he'd take care of that.

Knocking on the door to announce his presence, Josiah called out, “Nathan? Buck?”, as he pushed it open. Letting go of the door, he took in Nathan's huddled form, Buck rubbing his back and talking quietly to him while what looked like the tail end of shudders ran through him. He acknowledged Josiah with a jerk of his head that told the older man to come closer, but otherwise didn't move any of his attention from Nathan.

“Ezra's just fine, doc, ain't none of us gonna let anything happen to him, it was just a dream. Just a dream, Nate, not real at all...” Josiah was in front of them now, and he moved to sit on the other side of Nathan from Buck, setting a large hand on the back of his bent neck and letting it rest there, staying quiet for now.

“It felt real,” Nathan whispered. “It felt so real. I couldn't get anyone to listen...” JD choose that moment to lean too hard on the bedroom door he must have crept up on, and went stumbling several steps forward into the doorway, barely staying on his feet and flushing a bright, guilty, red as all three of them stared at him in surprise.

“JD, what the heck do ya think you're doing?” Buck asked exasperatedly, but seeing how Nathan was leaning over into Buck now, Josiah pushed himself to his feet, saying,

“I've got Mister Earwig here, I think Nathan wants you.”

Buck looked surprised, but then moved the hand that had been resting on Nathan's back, still since JD had tumbled in, to wrap around the teenager's shoulders, pulling him in close. “Well, that's good, 'cause I ain't planning on going anywhere.”

Josiah shooed JD out of the room, only taking the time to grab his copy of Good Omens off the bookshelf above his desk. JD, a bit shocked at seeing the usually calm Nathan first so angry and now almost in tears in just a few hours Josiah thought, stayed quiet until they were out in the hallway, but then could keep his peace no longer. “I'm not an earwig! ...What's an earwig, anyway?”

“It's a little boy who eavesdrops outside his big brothers' doors,” Josiah said, firmly steering JD into his room.

“You made that up,” JD accused, looking more offended by the false information than he had by the name.

“Maybe. Use your dictionary to figure it out. And _stay_ in your room until one of us comes to get you for dinner.”

“Siah? Is Nathan gonna be okay?”

Running a hand over a head of hair that was beginning to hang into JD's eyes, Josiah smiled reassuringly. “Sure is. Buck made you feel better earlier, didn't he?”

Nodding, JD said, “Uh-huh, he's real good at that.” He beamed at Josiah suddenly and flung his arms around his middle, a slightly bemused Josiah returning the hug readily. “That was super smart, Nathan will be all cheered up now, just like I was.” Chuckling, Josiah squeezed him tighter, then gently disentangled JD's arms from around his waist.

“Well, thank you. I have to go give Ezra this book I'm letting him borrow, okay?”

JD nodded, turning towards his bookshelf and Josiah assumed the student dictionary he'd inherited from Nathan, and Josiah went out into the hallway. He was at Ezra and Vin's door, hand raised to knock before he pushed it open when a small voice called after him, “I'm not an insect! You're an insect!” newly offended now that he knew what it meant, and Josiah couldn't help but snort.

Ezra must have heard him, because, sounding slightly confused, he called out, “Josiah?”, and the big man pushed his door open and stepped in, smiling at him and noting the expression of relief that passed rapidly across his face. Lord, it had taken him long enough to come back Ezra probably thought he'd been forgotten.

“Sorry that took me so long, JD was being a handful.”

Ezra chuckled slightly, “When isn't he? Ah was growing somewhat worried you'd been unable to locate the novel.”

“No, I always know where my favorites are.” He passed it over, and said, “I really hope you like it.” Ezra had already flipped the book over to read the description on the back, the corners of his lips turning up as he finished it.

“Ah really think Ah shall.”

*.*.*.*.*

Nathan's dream had made him sweat through his t-shirt in spots, and Buck knew he should probably be making him change into something dry, but there were still tremors running through his shoulders every once in a while. Buck wasn't entirely sure if it was just the aftershock of his dream or if he was forcing back tears, it didn't really matter, just like he'd said, he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, even over to the dresser to steal one of Josiah's sleep shirts for his brother. “You wanna tell me about it?”

Nathan said nothing for a minute, drawing in a long, shaky breath to try and calm himself down first, and then said quietly, almost angrily, “No one would listen.”

“I'm listening now, pard.”

Nathan nodded, sniffling a bit in a way that made Buck think of when they were real little and Nathan couldn't keep up with him and Chris at the playground. Chris didn't always stop so Nathan could catch up, but after the time Buck looked back and saw his little tag-a-long of a brother stopping in defeat, knowing he was being left behind and couldn't stop it, trying to hide teary eyes and sniffling into his coat sleeve, he'd waited every time. “I couldn't find Ezra...everyone else was home, and nobody else was worried, they kept saying he was playing outside, but he wasn't out there, and I kept telling everyone, telling Mama and Daddy and they wouldn't even listen, and he wasn't _anywhere_. Finally, I heard screaming from the basement, but it was like no one else could hear it, you all just kept doing what you were doing. I ran down there and-and,” Nathan paused, his voice starting to break, and Buck wasn't entirely sure he wanted to hear what came next, “there was this _monster_ of a man, and he was kicking him, and kicking him and Ezra was screaming, and I ran over to make him stop, but there was this invisible barrier and I couldn't get through, I _couldn't,_ I kept throwing myself at it, there was a baseball bat for some reason, but that didn't work, and he kept _hurting_ him, and Ezra was begging me to help him, but I couldn't get through, and no one would listen, no one would come help...”, Nathan was crying by the time he got to the end and Buck's own eyes had filled with tears, and he moved so he could wrap both his arms around him in a real hug, not the half-assed side hug that worked good for talking, but not comforting, Nathan gripping him back.

“Christ pard, no wonder you're so upset, that whopper of a nightmare was a sight worse than any I've had in years. Anybody would be more than shook up after that.”

“It felt so _real._ Most of the time when I'm dreaming I can tell that I am, I know that it isn't real, that whatever is happening would be impossible in reality, but this time I couldn't.” Buck moved his arm so he could run his hand over Nathan's short curls and squeeze at his neck, before it rejoined its mate across his back.

“Well, it ain't real and it ain't going to be real. The little bit you told me about that list you saw was bad enough, you have the whole thing in your head, it makes sense you'd have nightmares, but none of those people who hurt Ezra are ever gonna get anywhere near him again. If any of them tried I'd run 'em over with the combine.” Buck said it with utter seriousness and it surprised a wry laugh out of Nathan as he pulled away from Buck a little and swiped at his eyes.

“Make an awful mess to clean up, but it'd be worth it.”

“Heck yeah, it would.”

*.*.*.*.*.*

Josiah smiled when he saw that Buck had already pulled one of the casseroles Mama had made for them out of the freezer and had it thawing on the counter. Then he frowned when he realized that he'd also already turned the oven on to preheat, and what exactly was he trying to do to their electricity bill? The boys had eaten a snack at four, and it was only a little after five. Shrugging, Josiah flipped the oven off and then crossed over to the fridge to find something to serve with it. They should still have enough coleslaw left from what he'd made yesterday to go with it as long as Buck hadn't eaten it for lunch, and that was an easy way to get vegetables into the boys.

A quick peek into the bowl told him that while it looked like there wasn't quite as much there as there had been, the dent in it wasn't too sizable, and, deciding that he might as well get started on lunches, Josiah grabbed a sweet onion, celery, mustard and mayonnaise before he swung the door shut. Tomorrow was chicken salad sandwiches, oranges, and-Josiah took a quick survey of the top of the fridge to see what kind of snack food they had-oreos. He'd need to toss something extra in Vin's, an apple sauce or some nuts or something, or he'd still be hungry, but that should be enough for the others. He'd just plopped them on the counter and pulled out the cutting board when he heard the sound of an engine and tires crunching over gravel and moved over to the sliding glass door that led in off the porch, flipping on the outside light.

The ancient Dodge Ram came to a stop behind the mini-van that had been passed down to Josiah from their mother as Josiah stepped out onto the porch to greet Chris, wondering if Buck had called or texted him or if it was just a random visit. Before the two had gotten more than 'hi' out Vin came barreling down the porch, shouting out Chris's name and leaping off it with the easy trust of someone who hadn't been dropped-yet. Josiah chuckled as Chris obliging caught and squeezed the boy, who really was a little too big to still be doing that, into a bear hug, only staggering back a little under his weight. “Hey, cowboy.”

“Hey, Chris. You staying for dinner?”

“Not sure, but I'm going to stick around for awhile. I need to talk to Josiah about something important before I can hang out with you though, okay?” Vin gave an easy shrug, perfectly willing to wait if it meant he'd have Chris's attention to himself later.

“Okay. Josiah, I'm done studying, can I get on Netflix?”

“Are your chores done?”

“Yeah, I did them before JD went nuts.” Ignoring Chris's ' _what_ is he talking about?' look, Josiah nodded.

“Sure, if you log into the kid profile and not the main one.” Vin liked horror movies until it was bedtime, then he thoroughly regretted watching them.

“Aw, Josiah, I ain't a baby.”

“No, you aren't, but you are a kid, so use the kid profile,” Josiah returned patiently.

“Okay...”

Neither Chris or him said anything until Vin had disappeared back in the direction of the den, when Chris, who'd climbed up and leaned himself against the porch railing, stated more than asked, “I heard when I stopped in at the Potter's store that Ezra got himself suspended again.”

“Yep.” Josiah ran a hand over his face, tired.

“Something is wrong with that boy.” If he couldn't read his brother as well as he could Josiah might have thought he was being derogatory, but he could see the worry around his eyes. “Ezra's real good at pushing the line, but he doesn't...”, Chris trailed off, not finding the right words, but Josiah jumped in wryly.

“Pole vault over it?”

Chris snorted, “Sounds about right.”

“Yeah, well, it's not just Ezra that's got himself in trouble, only Vin out of the younger kids kept his nose clean today.”

A raised eyebrow was his only answer, and Josiah obliged the silent question, running down the gist of it for Chris, who listened closely, but gave nothing away. At the end he shook his head and muttered something foul sounding enough Josiah was glad he didn't quite hear it, though he figured he could safely say he agreed with the sentiment. “Let me see this list.”

“No killing anyone,” Josiah warned as he fished it out of his pant's pocket and passed it over to Chris. His face tightened as he read it.

“You think Ezra remembers any of their home addresses?”

“I said no killing anyone.”

“You said it, I never agreed.”

“Christopher...”

Chris's attention was back on the list, ignoring Josiah whether he meant to or not, though if Josiah were a betting man he'd put his money on the first option, and he growled out, “Christ, no wonder Nathan had a nightmare, how the hell is _Ezra_ not having them?”

“That's pretty much what I said, Pard,” Buck announced as he came out onto the porch, shutting the door behind him and glancing back through it to where Nathan was sitting down at the table, still looking exhausted. Josiah raised an eyebrow at Buck and he defended himself, “Hey, I couldn't leave him alone up there, not after a dream like that.”

No, Josiah supposed he really couldn't have, but Nathan didn't need to be slumped over and yawning at the kitchen table either, and stepping around Buck, he pulled the slider open. “Nate?” He looked up, holding his eyes open wide to try and look less sleepy, but it didn't work. “Why don't you go and watch TV with Vin in the den?” There was more than enough room for him to stretch out in there, and hopefully he would. With another yawn, Nathan nodded and pushed himself to his feet, heading out of the room.

“So boys,” Buck said, more serious than his tone of voice implied, “What's the plan?”

 


End file.
